The Depths Of Despair

Have you ever been there before?

I sure have..in fact I'm there right now.

My life is practically a graveyard of broken hopes.

Sorry I just felt like being Anne of Green Gables/poetic. Now, down to the cause of my problems.

Yesterday I auditioned for Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and I failed so badly. Well, I didn't exactly get a flat out "no" or anything but judging from how I feel I did I know its a closed case for me.

Okay, so I flunked an audition. Its not THAT bad. I tried the best I could under the circumstances. However, now, despite everything I have said and thought in the past, I am feeling like such a loser. I don't feel like trying again...ever.

I know, I know I shouldn't base a decision to stop performing on one little audition. I know I shouldn't judge myself so harshly. But somehow I can't think about ever doing it again. I even considered quiting theatre altogether but decided against it.

I'm such a hypocrite...I wrote a whole speech about auditions in Februrary and said 'Just because you don't get in it doesn't mean you aren't talented.' I know that advice is true its just that I don't feel like giving it to myself right now.

Most of all, something keeps coming back to me...maybe I shouldn't be fussing with all this musical theatre stuff anyway. I mean perhaps I'm just not meant to be an actress. We all have to have a few unfullfilled dreams in our lives and maybe this is just one of those. Maybe its time I stopped before I hurt myself even more. I'm thinking that this may be God's way of telling me that he doesn't want me doing this kind of thing.

The only problem is...I'm having a majorly hard time accepting it. I still love theatre and never want to stop.

Amanda - I'm sorry if I seemed rude when I saw you at the audition...that was the last way I wanted to come accross as.

Back to normal at last

So...after a week of moping about things finally started to get normal again. Now, I'm only suffering from boredom and the occasional sadness when I think of how much fun I had and that I'll never have that specific experience again..but then I must remember there will be others and they can only be better.

The rewards of being in this show are still arriving. SO many people who came to the show have told me how much they enjoyed it, how surprised they were with me, and how proffesional and entertaining the play was!! Someone even said "I forgot it was just kids acting." That makes me realize what a privelage it has been (and is) to be part of this group. I've been so unapreciative in the past and often I wish for more...but really this is better than I could ever have wanted and I am so proud to be part of this theatre group even though it won't make me "famous."

Although I recieved an "A" in Drama I am now hurrying to finish up social studies which I neglected quite a bit right before and during the show. The rest of the time all I do is watch Little House On The Prairie (about 6 episodes a day - a waste of time I know - but it still entertains me even though I've seen every episode at least twice), write my stories of course, and count the days until my birthday. Kind of silly too but it was just yesterday that I realized its exactly 3 months till my birthday - Wahoo!

Thats all for now.

PS - You will also notice that I changed the name of my blog. Why? because I think "Elizabeth" is more fitting as most people actually don't call me Lizzie.

Loving Life As It Is

So lately I've been playing a little game with myself. Often without knowing it and always without wanting to. The fact is though, that recently, my favorite game has been the Comparasim Game.

I just realized this yesterday but I've been doing it for a while. Its hard to explain exactly. Well, I haven't really been content with life lately. I'm always thinking about last year and everything I did that was fun then. I haven't been realizing how great this year really is.

I haven't really been happy with theatre this year either, even though I got the part I wanted. Without meaning to, or wanting to, I've been comparing this year to last year and I always come to the conclusion that last year was better.

I've also been comparing myself to others a lot. I have always done this but lately its gotten a bit out of hand. I am double cast as Cogsworth and I've been comparing my performance as the part to the other Cogsworth's. Especially in the solo part in Human Again.

All this has gotten me really annoyed with life I guess. I haven't been all that happy. I always want something other than what I have. Yesterday, I realized my problem. And I also realized that I have to fix my problem (which I have started doing). I need to love 2009 for what it is. I need to stop thinking about all the faults and failures I think this year will have or already has had. And most importantly, I need to stop longing for things that have passed and focus on whats going on right now. I need to remember that life is actually fine how it is, actually its great how it is!

Plus, every situation and person is differant. I can't fault a person, a year or anything for being differant from something or someone else. In fact, I realized that I'm very glad that everything is differant in some way!

Last but not least, thank you to Amanda for helping me realize this!!

Homework Hassles and Painfull Piano

Ok...soo today I had my piano exam. It was horrible. Well, as far as I'm concerned it was. Its not so much that it was a bad experience. Actually it was a pretty good experience. I just played badly! On one of my songs, I forgot it half way through and I asked to see my book. He was like "Well you can but you will loose marks." Well, I knew that!! But I chose not to since I had already lost quite a few marks.

Oh and the homework hassles. Um well I THOUGHT I'd finished everything last monday. But today my math teacher phoned and said she still needed a few more assignments. Well it was just a matter of faxing the stuff but then we went through some math things on the phone and..um..well I broke out in tears. Yeah, great I know. lol. Well anyway, at least that is over!

Today I realized (again!) one of the problems I have. I hate admitting troubles I have to people such as teachers, parents and friends. Like if someone asks me if I'm alright I will always say "Yes I'm fine." even if I'm actually not. Today when I was crying (and trying to hide that) I just kept saying "Its ok. We can go on." My teacher was really nice though and let me cry :)

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow (full day of theatre). I have to stay later. sigh. at least I think this is the last extra practice for me (according to the schedule). I'm also NOT looking forward to doing "Human Again."

Its funny though. I used to LOVE extra practices. In fact, ever since I started theatre 7 years ago I've wanted to stay later. I thought it would be so much fun and I thought that if you stayed late you were "cool." Well, when I was in Fiddler I stayed for my first extra practice and it wasn't nearly as fun, or cool as I thought it would be!!

But maybe it will be fun. I don't know. I really shouldn't be complaining. Oh well, at least my piano exam is done and so is Semester 1. Now, on to Semester 2!! Yeah!! Ok, better go.

Bye!!

Hello Again!

Hey there, it seems like a while since I've blogged!!

Last weekend I went on a ski trip with my youth group. It was really fun. Well, mostly fun! On the last day one of my friends and I went on a triple black run without meaing to! That was NOT fun! I took my skis off at one point and carried them and my poles as I walked. NOT a good idea! My foot got so stuck that my friend had to come help me dig it out!

I can't really think of anything else I've been doing lately except school! I'm finished science and ALMOST finished math.

I listened to a program on the inaugaration (correct spelling?!) on CKNW(correct again lol!?) It almost made me want to cry just thinking about how, just 40 years ago, a black man couldn't even drink from the same water fontaine as a white man and today a black man is the president of the United States!!!

Oh, we had theatre on Friday. I don't even know why I'm writing about it because nothing exciting happend. I felt like crying during the whole class. I know that sounds stupid but I've felt like that basically every friday. I know why..I think..but I'm not going to say on here.

Ok...well I'd better go!!!

See ya later!

Theatre

Today I had theatre 'cause it was Friday! Yay! We're doing Beauty And The Beast and its so much fun. I'm Cogsworth. I've wanted to do this show for like four years and guess who I wanted to be? Cogsworth! Wow, amazing, maybe dreams really do come true! (well, occasionally).

Cogsworth is actually a really fun character to be. Although sometimes I wish that I'm Mrs. Potts or Belle, in the end I'm always glad I'm good old Cogsy. On my off-cast I am a plate as well as a man in the village (yes man!)

Anyway I'd better go.

ttyl