Have you ever been there before?
I sure have..in fact I'm there right now.
My life is practically a graveyard of broken hopes.
Sorry I just felt like being Anne of Green Gables/poetic. Now, down to the cause of my problems.
Yesterday I auditioned for Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and I failed so badly. Well, I didn't exactly get a flat out "no" or anything but judging from how I feel I did I know its a closed case for me.
Okay, so I flunked an audition. Its not THAT bad. I tried the best I could under the circumstances. However, now, despite everything I have said and thought in the past, I am feeling like such a loser. I don't feel like trying again...ever.
I know, I know I shouldn't base a decision to stop performing on one little audition. I know I shouldn't judge myself so harshly. But somehow I can't think about ever doing it again. I even considered quiting theatre altogether but decided against it.
I'm such a hypocrite...I wrote a whole speech about auditions in Februrary and said 'Just because you don't get in it doesn't mean you aren't talented.' I know that advice is true its just that I don't feel like giving it to myself right now.
Most of all, something keeps coming back to me...maybe I shouldn't be fussing with all this musical theatre stuff anyway. I mean perhaps I'm just not meant to be an actress. We all have to have a few unfullfilled dreams in our lives and maybe this is just one of those. Maybe its time I stopped before I hurt myself even more. I'm thinking that this may be God's way of telling me that he doesn't want me doing this kind of thing.
The only problem is...I'm having a majorly hard time accepting it. I still love theatre and never want to stop.
Amanda - I'm sorry if I seemed rude when I saw you at the audition...that was the last way I wanted to come accross as.
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Elizabeth, I think we're pretty much the same person....
ReplyDeleteI've been in this situation SO many times. I've questioned many times if God was trying to give me a sign saying that I need to stop doing theatre.
Performing is a very very tough gig. It takes a LOT of courage and backbone to put yourself out in the world. It is a very personal journey that a lot of people do not realize.
Auditions, performances, even rehearsals are things a LOT of people in this world just cannot do because it scares them... I think public speaking is one of the most feared things out there.
You have so much courage for doing the things you do!!
Just remember that everything is a learning experience - and I'm not saying I'm perfect. I still get upset and disappointed when I screw up an audition or I don't get into a show. But remember that it happens for a reason. And an even better experience will show up eventually. :)