I climbed out

So after 3 or 4 days of moping around and feeling sorry for myself I finally came to a conclusion.

I can't exactly remember how it happened...it was a mixture of braces, a piano lesson, seminars, and a song. All of the sudden I became myself again. Maybe even better than I've been before!

My last post sounded like the audition had discouraged me but really its given me more deterimination for next time. This isn't the kind of determination to prove that I can do it or that I'll do it right next time. Its that there will be a next time and a time after that.

I still think I should make sure I'm doing what God wants me to do but I don't see any harm in making plans. However, these plans are very differant than what I had before. Its kind of hard to explain. Instead of making sure my life goes just the way the list in my mind says, I'm going to take it one step at a time and not worry about the future so much.

Thats not to say I won't hope or dream. I'll still make goals too. I think goals are a healthy thing because they motivate us to accomplish something. Plus, life would be boring without anything to dream about. I'm going to work towards my goals and dreams too by practicing and organizing. There is no use just sitting around and waiting for my "dream day" if I won't be ready when it comes.

So that is what I've decided. Don't ask me how those random things I mentioned at the beginning come into this decision. They really do but its hard to understand exactly how.

The Depths Of Despair

Have you ever been there before?

I sure have..in fact I'm there right now.

My life is practically a graveyard of broken hopes.

Sorry I just felt like being Anne of Green Gables/poetic. Now, down to the cause of my problems.

Yesterday I auditioned for Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and I failed so badly. Well, I didn't exactly get a flat out "no" or anything but judging from how I feel I did I know its a closed case for me.

Okay, so I flunked an audition. Its not THAT bad. I tried the best I could under the circumstances. However, now, despite everything I have said and thought in the past, I am feeling like such a loser. I don't feel like trying again...ever.

I know, I know I shouldn't base a decision to stop performing on one little audition. I know I shouldn't judge myself so harshly. But somehow I can't think about ever doing it again. I even considered quiting theatre altogether but decided against it.

I'm such a hypocrite...I wrote a whole speech about auditions in Februrary and said 'Just because you don't get in it doesn't mean you aren't talented.' I know that advice is true its just that I don't feel like giving it to myself right now.

Most of all, something keeps coming back to me...maybe I shouldn't be fussing with all this musical theatre stuff anyway. I mean perhaps I'm just not meant to be an actress. We all have to have a few unfullfilled dreams in our lives and maybe this is just one of those. Maybe its time I stopped before I hurt myself even more. I'm thinking that this may be God's way of telling me that he doesn't want me doing this kind of thing.

The only problem is...I'm having a majorly hard time accepting it. I still love theatre and never want to stop.

Amanda - I'm sorry if I seemed rude when I saw you at the audition...that was the last way I wanted to come accross as.