Lonely?

As of today, my three favourite hobbies have been singing, writing, and talking to myself. Kind of weird thngs to do, I know. But what is a talkative person like me to do when the people she chats with the most (her mother and sister) are gone and she is left with the dog and the dad?

Its really not that bad actually because I kind of like to be alone, well, sometimes. Actually I'm not really alone but I do feel kind of lonely from time to time. Wow, that really didn't make sense did it? I guess that what I am trying to say is that I enjoy having time to myself to just think, read, write, and talk (to myself, yes!), but I also would love to just hang out with friends. It seems like forever since I've done that!

Actually, in my mom's opinion I never do it..or not enough. Sometimes I feel like I am being considered anti-social...but really I am not. At least I don't think. Just maybe not the most social person in the world. I'm the kind of person that if they have a good book would rather stay at home and read it then get together with a friend...unless of course that friend were to phone and say "Hey, lets do something." Do I just feel like being wanted?

Yes, perhaps that is it. Almost all of my life, nearly every day until two years ago, a knock would sound at the door and a girl would be there asking if "Elizabeth could come out and play." I would go to her house and ask her the same just as often. We had a lot of fun although we also argued often. But then that girl moved away.

But I'm not really lonely....I do have half my family at home, people I can phone, and...people I can write about (strange to you probably, but to me most enjoyable.) And I won't be a homebody very long--I'll be at an art class next week and then I'm going to visit my best friend accross the sea (island.) So there really is a lot to look forward to besides songs, books, and computer screens.

Note: Yes, I know I can also be quite shy at times. But if you know me well then you know how I can talk!

I climbed out

So after 3 or 4 days of moping around and feeling sorry for myself I finally came to a conclusion.

I can't exactly remember how it happened...it was a mixture of braces, a piano lesson, seminars, and a song. All of the sudden I became myself again. Maybe even better than I've been before!

My last post sounded like the audition had discouraged me but really its given me more deterimination for next time. This isn't the kind of determination to prove that I can do it or that I'll do it right next time. Its that there will be a next time and a time after that.

I still think I should make sure I'm doing what God wants me to do but I don't see any harm in making plans. However, these plans are very differant than what I had before. Its kind of hard to explain. Instead of making sure my life goes just the way the list in my mind says, I'm going to take it one step at a time and not worry about the future so much.

Thats not to say I won't hope or dream. I'll still make goals too. I think goals are a healthy thing because they motivate us to accomplish something. Plus, life would be boring without anything to dream about. I'm going to work towards my goals and dreams too by practicing and organizing. There is no use just sitting around and waiting for my "dream day" if I won't be ready when it comes.

So that is what I've decided. Don't ask me how those random things I mentioned at the beginning come into this decision. They really do but its hard to understand exactly how.

The Depths Of Despair

Have you ever been there before?

I sure have..in fact I'm there right now.

My life is practically a graveyard of broken hopes.

Sorry I just felt like being Anne of Green Gables/poetic. Now, down to the cause of my problems.

Yesterday I auditioned for Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and I failed so badly. Well, I didn't exactly get a flat out "no" or anything but judging from how I feel I did I know its a closed case for me.

Okay, so I flunked an audition. Its not THAT bad. I tried the best I could under the circumstances. However, now, despite everything I have said and thought in the past, I am feeling like such a loser. I don't feel like trying again...ever.

I know, I know I shouldn't base a decision to stop performing on one little audition. I know I shouldn't judge myself so harshly. But somehow I can't think about ever doing it again. I even considered quiting theatre altogether but decided against it.

I'm such a hypocrite...I wrote a whole speech about auditions in Februrary and said 'Just because you don't get in it doesn't mean you aren't talented.' I know that advice is true its just that I don't feel like giving it to myself right now.

Most of all, something keeps coming back to me...maybe I shouldn't be fussing with all this musical theatre stuff anyway. I mean perhaps I'm just not meant to be an actress. We all have to have a few unfullfilled dreams in our lives and maybe this is just one of those. Maybe its time I stopped before I hurt myself even more. I'm thinking that this may be God's way of telling me that he doesn't want me doing this kind of thing.

The only problem is...I'm having a majorly hard time accepting it. I still love theatre and never want to stop.

Amanda - I'm sorry if I seemed rude when I saw you at the audition...that was the last way I wanted to come accross as.

Back to normal at last

So...after a week of moping about things finally started to get normal again. Now, I'm only suffering from boredom and the occasional sadness when I think of how much fun I had and that I'll never have that specific experience again..but then I must remember there will be others and they can only be better.

The rewards of being in this show are still arriving. SO many people who came to the show have told me how much they enjoyed it, how surprised they were with me, and how proffesional and entertaining the play was!! Someone even said "I forgot it was just kids acting." That makes me realize what a privelage it has been (and is) to be part of this group. I've been so unapreciative in the past and often I wish for more...but really this is better than I could ever have wanted and I am so proud to be part of this theatre group even though it won't make me "famous."

Although I recieved an "A" in Drama I am now hurrying to finish up social studies which I neglected quite a bit right before and during the show. The rest of the time all I do is watch Little House On The Prairie (about 6 episodes a day - a waste of time I know - but it still entertains me even though I've seen every episode at least twice), write my stories of course, and count the days until my birthday. Kind of silly too but it was just yesterday that I realized its exactly 3 months till my birthday - Wahoo!

Thats all for now.

PS - You will also notice that I changed the name of my blog. Why? because I think "Elizabeth" is more fitting as most people actually don't call me Lizzie.

Life Is So Unnerving For An Actor Who Is Not Acting

He's not whole without a soul to entertain.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! Beauty And The Beast is over and I am so sad. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is fun. My life is over. Ok, not really. Thats a bit dramatic but hey, I'm an actor. I am feeling really down though.

I just put so much work into this. I had so much fun too. And now it is done. How depressing. How disheartening. How terrible. Plus, I love the stage. I've been doing theatre for a while now but it was only just a year ago that I learned how much I loved it. And this was a total new and exciting experience. When I got up there as Cogsy I was so nervous. But soon it all disapeared and I had so much fun. By the end of my first show I felt like the audience were all my best friends.

As for the hard work thing it has been quite challanging but sooo worth it!!! Developing my character was tough but it will make me miss Cogsworth more. Its a part of my life. I feel torn a part. I feel like I'm being forced to move on and I have to leave my best friend behind. Wow, I'm dramatic.

I can't practice anymore. I can't sing the songs. I can't act. I feel like there is nothing left. Of course what my mom said is true "You can still practice your lines around the house." Or what one of the other theatre parents said when I was dissapointed that my favourite line was finished "You can still say it for your family every day." Yes I can still do those things but it won't be the same. It won't carry the magic. It won't carry the fun. I'm not going to be Cogsworth again. Never ever again.

Last but not least I am going to miss everyone terribly. Its funny, I only just realized this Saturday night when I got home how much I enjoyed getting to know everyone this year. I'm going to miss all 76 of the people I worked with. Even though I don't hang around with everyone in theatre I still love them all. I'm going to miss them so much. Of course I'm coming back but its four months till theatre starts, one year till the next show, and some people aren't even coming back!!! I also can't believe how I was looking forward to the show ending just this past Wednesday. I even considered quiting. But of course, that was after a very stressfull dress rehearsal.

In all this I often wish two things...one that life could always be the same and the other is that I hadn't worked hard or had fun. But then life would be rather dull. I wouldn't enjoy it half as much. Moving on is all part of it. I just need to remember that this is just a new chapter in my life. A new adventure. A new experience.

Build higher walls around me/Change every locke and key/nothing lasts nothing holds...does that really apply?

Oh and by the way, I am a cry baby. I've already cried multiple times on both Saturday and Sunday and will probably crash again today.

Faminized

Ok, I do know that "Faminized" is not a real word. But if it was a word it would be a word that seems to describe me.

Yesterday I took part in my youth group's 30 Hour Famine. Well, it started at 12:01 midnight on Friday and ended today at 8:00. It had the strangest effect on me.

When I woke up on Friday I was really hungry. Probably because I hadn't eaten for 12 hours. Then at theatre I continued to be hungry until break and then I was fine. During the time at the church/school I went on and off being hungry and not hungry. It was weird, sometimes I would feel like I'd been eating all day.

At the Famine we also learned about real world hunger. We even played some games. One of them, which we played at night in the woods, we were supposed to be africans who were starving and we were trying to get food from World Vision. In the game, we collected bread. Of course we didn't eat it though! But we had to be careful because there were rebel soldiers trying to kill us. Really, we did have to be careful because if we got the light flashed on us we were dead (or out and had to start again)

The rest of the famine was really fun too, besides getting super hungry. I drank 10 cups of juice yesterday, which is like 8 or 9 times the amount I normally have in a day. I went to bed at 5:00 in the morning which was not a good choice because breakfast was at 8:00.

When I did wake up around 8:00 and came down for breakfast, I didn't feel hungry, even though I hadn't eaten for 30 plus hours and I'd been looking forward to breakfast the whole Famine. I did eat but I didn't really feel any better. I went home, got into bed and then I cried. I don't know why. Then I slept for like 4 hours.

Still, I am not hungry. Wait no, I wouldn't say that exactly. In my stomach I am hungry but the rest of me doesn't feel like eating. I don't know what happened. Maybe I'm just over exhausted. Perhaps I've lost my sanity from not eating or sleeping....


2 more things
- Physical movement becomes exhausting much earlier when you haven't eaten all day.
- Last night I watched The Prestige and it made me want to cry which I don't do that often in movies, especially ones like that. I don't know I just thought it was so sad in some parts. In the end it was ok though. Hmm...maybe lack of food.

Super Crazy EXCITING News!!

April Fools!!

(Sorry, that was the only Fool I could think of!)

This year I was planning a super big april fools on my family (well actually I was last year too but then I forgot what day it was!). I was going to hide a bunch of stuff. Actually the only thing I could think of was the cutlary. But then I decided not to because I'd have to put it all away afterwards and I hate putting cutlary away!

The only trick I did play was on my sister. I told her that we had sold enough tickets for the Thursday night show of Beauty And The Beast! She didn't believe me though :(.

One of the biggest April Fools Day tricks I remember was at theatre five or six years ago. Keanu brought toothpaste filled oreo cookies to share. I didn't have any but a lot of others did and they got super mad at him! In fact, some of them started chasing him around and throwing water at him! Then he gave one to Rochelle! Not a good move. I happened to be inside putting my snack away so I heard her giving Keanu a lecture. She was NOT happy!

So, Amanda you'd better watch out on Friday! (Don't take cookies from any boys or ANYONE for that matter!)

PS Why the pic of the bunny? April fools day makes me think of bunnies for some weird reason!